Akatsuki Nursing Home
by SpiffyGundam
Summary: It's Naruto, but geriatric. Itachi wears dentures and Tobi drives a motorized scooter. (I originally wrote this in 2012, so any plot stuff that happened after that time in canon is irrelevant.)
1. Chapter 1 - The Beginning

CHAPTER 1

"My wrinkles keep coming back. Especially on the sides of my nose!"

"Itachi, you were born that way" Kisame croaked. "Besides, I'm the one with the real problem. They don't even make shark tooth dentures. I'm all gummy."

Everybody else in the room also complained.

"My leaves are wilty!"

"My clay is dry!"

"My puppets are rusting!"

"The one good eye I have is going blind!"

Laughter came from the corner of the room. Hidan and Kakuzu snickered.

"Bwah ha ha! You guys are mortal and we are not! we haven't aged since the Shinobi World War arc!" Hidan happily said.

"hm" replied Deidara.

"Something is fishy about you guys" Kisame stated.

"I bet creepy Orochimaru looks the same" Itachi also said.

"Itachi, you're just mad he didn't want your body. Hmm" Deidara sneered.

"He did too want my body! However now my once sculpted abs are flabby and man-boobish!"

End of Chapter 1

Originally written 12/17/2012


	2. Chapter 2 - Hmmm

Akatsuki Nursing Home Chapter 2

A few days later…

"Lord Orochimaru I brought you your medication" Kabuto said as he came into the room.

"Very good, my little grey haired, soon to be sexy after you take my power" Orochimaru slurped his tongue back into his mouth, his drool leaving a thin line down his perfectly sculpted chin (so sexy).

'That is sooo hot' Kabuto thought to himself.

"I want you to go back to the Leaf and bring back Sasuke again as my new, sexy body" Oro purred.

"Yes my Master. I am your servant" and then Kabuto walked out.

-Back at the Nursing Home-

"We are immortals! We are bea-ut-i-ful!" Hidan sang as he jumped around shirtless (That's the way I like him).

"Calm down. Everybody knows that when the stringy stuff comes out of my mouth I'm gonna mess you up" Kakuzu replied.

From the other side of the room:

"Somebody get over here and water my leaves!"

"I'll do it for you Zetsu" said Kisame. He came over to Zetsu and opened the wrapping on his sword.

"Samehada needs to use the bathroom. She is my wife." Zetsu screeched and started to transport himself, but not before he got spurted by the sword.

"Hmm" Deidara said to himself.

"Hmmmm" Itachi said too.

"Hmmmmmmm" Pain said a little louder.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm" Sasori said a little louder.

Deidara screamed in frustration "Grawhah-gra-awaghth!"

Tobi getting a kick out of this, "Ha ha ha!" Deidara glared at him.

"A-boogideie-boogideie-boo!" Tobi screamed and ran out the door because Deidara started to chase him (slowly cuz Deidara has a bad back. Probably due to trying to beat Itachi too much).

Used to this routine, the Akatsuki member went to do what normal old people do. Knitted, fed stray cats, and bake cookies (Sasori's were the best).

A few hours later they all drank warm milk and took their daily afternoon nap.

End of chapter 2

Originally written 12/18/2012


	3. Chapter 3 - Kakashi Wants His Juice

Akatsuki Nursing Home Chapter 3

-At the Hidden Leaf Village-

"Naruto!" a slurred voice screamed. A minute later a man with grey hair and a stupid, stupid face came in the room.

"Wat!" Naruto wailed.

"Gimme mah juice" Kakashi said. Naruto didn't understand what he said because as years passed Kakashi's mask caused his chin to wrinkle really badly. It got so bad that one day his mask just fell off. Turns out Kakashi has no lips (the truth revealed).

"What did you say?!" Naruto screeched.

"Mah juice. I want mah juice!" he replied.

"No! Get useless Sakura to do it!"

"Fine. Sakura!"

A few minutes later an old woman with saggy boobs came inn (they finally are big like Tsunade's).

"Yes Onii-chan?" Sakura whispered to Naruto.

"Sakura I am NOT your brother, second of all Kakashi is the one that called you!" Naruto screamed, his dentures falling out in the process.

"Hmmm" Sakura said mocking Deidara, nodding her head.

"Gimme mah juice!" Kakashi said.

"Here you go" Sakura said as she handed a glass to him. Sakura then went and started to leave the room.

"Cough. Hack. Sakura?" Kakashi asked.

"Yes, my Master" Sakura purred (she and Kabuto both attended a seminar on creep speak).

"Why is there an eyeball in mah drink?" Kakashi said.

"Memento from the 'ol Obito/Tobi/Madara. I gave you the rinnegan one. I already ate the sharingan eye, it reminds me of Sasuke, even though I stuck with Sai in the end" Sakura frowned.

Frustrated, Kakashi threw his glass at Naruto's head. His mouth was open so the eye got stuck in his throat and glass shards cut his cheek, so now the fugly face line things were even longer.

The scene went dark as the curtain closed on chapter 3.

End of Chapter 3

Originally written 1/3/2013


	4. Chapter 4 - Everyone Laughs

Akatsuki Nursing Home Chapter 4

-At the secret hideout-

"Wheeee! Yooo hooo!" Tobi screamed as he drove around the room in his new motorized wheelchair. It really expressed his personality. It was black with little orange masks on it.

"Shut op Tobi" Kakuzu plainly said.

"But why Senpai?" Tobi pleaded.

"I like money" Kakuzu replied.

"Hmmm" Deidara said

"Hmmmmmmm" Tobi said (he was still in a good mood from driving around).

Deidara got really mad. So mad his clay automatically started to drip out of his hands. It made a puddle and Kisame, not looking, slipped on it.

"Owwah!" Kisame screamed. "Oh the Pain!" and he at Deidara with, wait for it, blazing fury!

"My sword is going to pee on you!" Kisame screamed. Itachi slid in front of him.

"Maybe next time Kisame. I need it to be quiet. I'm listening to the police radio for any info on Sakuke" Itachi said.

Sasori spoke up. "Now Itachi, Sasuke isn't a criminal anymore." He grabbed a plate from the table and held it out to Itachi.

"Cookie my good man?" he asked.

"I want a cookie because I am immortal. And shirtless. It won't make me fat" Hidan said.

"Hmmm" Deidara said.

"Turns out" Sasori said. "I'm a puppet and puppets don't age so… Hidan you're stupid. Baka. Baka. Baka."

Hidan turned a shade of Durarara! Background character grey and slumped into a corner like Tamaki from Ouran Highschool Host Club after being rejected yet again by Haruhi.

Every other Akatsuki member in the room began to laugh.

"Hmmhmmm!hahaha!"(Deidara).

"Lololol. Next time!" (Itachi).

"Laugh. Laugh. Laugh." (Kakuzu).

"hehehehehehehehehe!" (Tobi).

"La la la! Fishies La!" (Kisame).

"Whooty whooty who!" (Sasori).

"Laugh LOL. My leaves rustle" (Zetsu).

"Ssssssss" came mysteriously from the dark cormer.

Orochimaru had appeared.

End of chapter 4

Originally written 1/8/2013


	5. Chapter 5 - The Power of Youth!

Akatsuki Nursing Home Chapter 5

A man sat in a dark room. Not just a dark room, but a pitch black room with like, no light. At all.

Sasuke was still stuck in the Konoha prison. His hair was still black as black because the villagers and the stupid Elders (yes, and they're still alive) didn't want him to possess the sharingan so they forced him to stay in prison.

A moment later a man came in the room. An ANBU.

"Sasuke Uchiha. You are free to go."

Sasuke was confused. The man opened the door and Sasuke walked out. As he exited you could see that he had retained his figure by doing crunches every day. He wore a black short-sleeved jump suit with the Uchiha insignia on the back. Sasuke walked out of the cell and up the stairs to the door.

"Hmmmmmm" the man said as they reached daylight.

"What?" Sasuke asked. "Oh my outfit. Sexy aint it? It's from the chunin exam arc." He winked and swiftly licked his lips.

'Just like my sexy master' Kabuto thought, or that's what he thought, because he really said it out loud.

Sasuke spun around. "What did you just say?"

"Ohh…ummm." He was at a loss for words so he decided to take off his cloak.

When Sasuke realized it was Kabuto, he ran away. He wasn't looking where he was going and he ran straight into Rock Lee.

"Oww" Sasuke said.

"The power of youth!" Lee chanted.

(*NOTE* Lee can only say "the power of youth" ever since Naruto's haywire rasen-shiruken hit him in the head. That is all. Please continue.)

"Sorry Lee" Sasuke said, tears welling up in his eyes.

"The power…of…youth!" Lee wailed. He saw Sasuke's pain and kissed him right on the lips.

You would expect Sasuke to squeal in pain or punch Lee, however this is different. Sasuke leaned in for more.

'This is what I've always wanted' he said to himself.

End of chapter 5

Originally written 1/12/2013


	6. Chapter 6 - Hidan Screams

Akatsuki Nursing Home Chapter 6

-At the secret hideout-

"Sss-hello my friends" Orochimaru slithered

"Hey yo! Oro mah man!" Itachi replied.

Orochimaru looked at Itachi. "Can I give your wrinkles a lick? They look… delicious." Itachi nodded yeas and Orochimaru grabbed his face. Itachi's eyes closed and he shuttered in enjoyment. He moaned as Oro slurped in his crevices.

Across the room the rest of the Akatsuki looked with disgust. Deidara even started to vomit clay and it landed on Kakuzu's shoes. Hidan really frustrated by the sexual acts of the man and the snake across the room forced him to scream. Like this. "eww-wwie!"

He grabbed his giant blade and swung it at them. Surprised they both looked at Hidan, then Orochimaru pushed Itachi right in the path of Hidan. Itachi stopped Hidan by flicking his forehead.

"Hmmmm" Deidara said.

"What is it Deidara Senpai?" Tobi asked.

"Hmmmmmmmm" Deidara said again.

Tobi was confused.

"Ohh Yeah!" Deidara screamed.

Tobi looked and saw Deidara in ecstasy. He looked behind Deidara and witnessed Orochimaru now groping Deidara's butt.

Out of nowhere Kakuzu said "it smells like… it smells like sexual tension." He sniffed the air like a dog would sniff himself.

-A few awkward minutes later-

"Sss-I'm here to see if you would like to help me take over the Leaf Village. Orochimaru said.

"No" said Kisame, Deidara, and everybody else except Itachi.

"I would be honored to help!" Itachi screamed, still sick with the love bug.

"Sss-very good. Now we need a secret handshake." Itachi nodded in agreement to Orochimaru's words.

"Let's see…umm… how about this?" Itachi suggested. He demonstrated to Orochimaru.

"Patty cake patty cake ninja's man, make me a kunai as fast as you can!"

"I like it" Orochimaru said.

End of chapter 6

Originally written 1/16/2018


	7. Chapter 7 - PSY?

Akatsuki Nursing Home Chapter 7

-At Sakura's house-

"Darling, your breakfast is ready" Sakura called from the kitchen. The pale man put down his newspaper and smiled at his wife. Sai looks the same as he did years before.

"Eggs and bacon, your favorite" Sakura said as she placed a plate in front of him.

Their house was nice inside. His paintings hung on the walls and the walls were a light pink color (Sai didn't have much say in the matter). With both their children gone it was quiet.

A few moments later…

"Mom, Dad, I'm home!" a voice called from the front entrance way. Even though their son was 30, he was still a genin and lived at home. They named him after his father.

A man with dark hair and sunglasses came into the room. His bow tie was undone and his black suit was way sexy.

"Hello PSY my boy" Sakura says.

"Where have you been?" Sai asks.

"Mom, Dad, I have just created an INTERNATIONAL hit! It's called the 'Gangnam Style.'"

"Sounds stupid" Sai says with a smile.

Sakura flips out on him. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT! OUR SON WORKED HARD ON THIS!" (this is where she starts getting weird). "You know I was always in love with Sasuke! I got with you so my heart wasn't gaping with an endless emptiness that only Sasuke could satisfy. You were a substitute and you always will be!" Sakura screamed.

Sai got up from his chair and ran away crying. On his way out the front door he forgot to open it and ran into it, breaking his nose.

"Heeeeey Mommy-lady" PSY chanted to her.

"Yes, my child" she purred

"On my way here. Oppa ninja style. I seeeee- Sasuke and Leeeee and they're like kissing. And I was like 'heeeey Sexy Sasuke' and he didn't hear me" PSY said.

"You mean that Sasuke is into Lee?" Sakura said, her eyes wild.

"Oppa. Yes Mother" PSY stated.

Sakura took a frying pan with her and ran out the front door with a scary look on her face.

End of chapter 7

Originally written 1/17/2018


	8. Chapter 8 - Gaara Loves DDR

Akatsuki Nursing Home Chapter 8

-At the Hidden Sand Village-

Kankuro was sitting in his room fixing his puppets. He had little free time and the free time he had he fixed up his jutsus.

Distracting party music came from the next room. Annoyed, Kankuro got up and stormed next door. When he got there he opened the door to find Gaara playing DDR.

"What! Yeah!… pant… I Gaara. Yeah? Kankuro what's up Homie?!" Gaara yelled.

Yeah. Gaara isn't the Kazekage anymore. He's pretty senile and only plays Dance Dance Revolution. Kankuro is the new Kazekage.

"Gaara turn it down. I'm trying to work" Kankuro said.

Gaara turned off the music and said "fine! I'll stop for 2.334 more seconds, then you have to get Temari to stop me" he stuck out his tongue.

"For the millionth time bro, Temari lives in the Leaf Village! She's lived there for years now!" Kankuro yelled.

"Fine! Then Kankuro, you and I are going to the Leaf!"

Kankuro crossed his arms. Gaara looked at him and pouted.

"Kankuro mah bro, you've already selected a new Kazekage. Just retire already" Gaara whined. "And have some F-U-N!" he added.

[*NOTE* This has nothing to do with the story, but the new Kazekage is Jim. He used to work at the ninja school, but he really got a nice promotion! Right?]

"Fine" Kankuro said. "Get your bags and your sand gourd we're going to the Leaf" he added monotone.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Gaara chanted.

"Let's be rebels Kankuro!" he took a sharpie, crossed out the wrinkled love kanji on his forehead and wrote 'hardcore sandman'.

After they packed their bags, they started on their way to the Leaf Village for their vacation.

End of chapter 8

Originally written 1/18/2013


End file.
